Stories of Jesus
Jessica’s Story of Jesus: I Am His
I suffered from trauma that happened to me at age 10 for thirty years, but that’s not what this story is about. It is only the beginning…
Because of this abuse, I only thought negatively about who I was and that my worth was less than nothing to anybody who knew me. It led me to be promiscuous and unruly with attempts to numb myself. This life was so full of depression, anxiety, and pain that I considered suicide at times. I’m so thankful that I failed and that eventually, I found my peace. That is what this story is about.
After 30 years of silent and sometimes not so silent suffering, I had found the easiest way to numb myself was through alcohol. My husband Matt would tell me that our life was out of control because of the drinking, but I didn’t see it. Who am I hurting, I thought? For him, I had tried on my own to cut back, I figured I would just drink on the weekends, or I would only drink when I had the next day off, then COVID-19 happened. And as much as I knot it was very hard on so many, for me, it was a gift.
I couldn’t work, and that left me plenty of time to indulge. This quickly grew to where I would count down the minutes until Matt got home from work so I wasn’t responsible for our son and could start drinking. This was my daily reward for being laid off, or for taking care of a 2yr old, you’ve seen the mom/wine memes. But the sadness always crept back in and now I started wondering why. I would look around and think, “I have an awesome husband, a beautiful son, a great home, etc… so why am I so miserable? Jessica, what more do you need?” This misery created a cycle of self-hate so I could self-medicate.
I would look around and think, “I have an awesome husband, a beautiful son, a great home, etc… so why am I so miserable? Jessica, what more do you need?”
I felt so selfish, guilty, and really scared because the misery was constantly there. Was this my best? Because it felt like the worst. I was searching for my smile and even the alcohol was keeping it from me now. With all this, and hearing Matt consider leaving me and taking our child with him, I decided to check into inpatient treatment.
Can you imagine rehab during Covid? We were truly isolated from the world.
The therapists immediately dug into my past and reopened that wound of trauma. One of my exercises for therapy was to write a letter to the child I was right before the abuse. What would the person I am now say to her? This was gut-wrenching. I found myself so vulnerable and my emotions began to overflow. I couldn’t stop crying due to feeling so sad for the little girl I was writing to. I personally knew what she was about to endure so I kept trying to write her words of strength and affirmations.
I kept thinking and writing about her in 3rd person and when I allowed myself to finally see that she was me, I dropped to my knees and said out loud, “God, I need help. I can’t do this alone. I will let go of whatever it is that I’m supposed to let go of but I don’t get it. Help me to understand. Help me, please.”
I dropped to my knees and said out loud, “God, I need help. I can’t do this alone. I will let go of whatever it is that I’m supposed to let go of but I don’t get it. Help me to understand. Help me, please.”
So much about this cry for help surprised me. I didn’t even think to pray to God beforehand. It just happened. One minute I’m crying and then the next I’m on the floor crying out to him. I hadn’t been in a church in years. Where is this coming from?
In that moment of prayer, I distinctly heard a voice say loud and clear, “Your family (who caused the trauma) will never validate you.” This wasn’t spoken to me in a “you’re stupid” type of way, (as if it’s something I already knew and was hatefully telling myself) it was different. It was a man’s voice that every word, every syllable, every tiny sound radiated with love. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was magical, unbelievable and I knew it came from HIM. This was followed by an extremely tangible feeling of hope and excitement that tingled from my head to my toes. “Is this it?” I thought. Was this what I needed to know after all these years? I decided to sleep on it and if I felt the same in the morning, I’ll give it some credit. I was newly medicated and all, maybe this was just a weird reaction. When I woke the next morning, my feelings were euphoric.
his every word, every syllable, every tiny sound radiated with love. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was magical, unbelievable and I knew it came from HIM.
Webster defines euphoria as a feeling of well-being or elation. Elation is defined as pathological euphoria. One of the definitions of pathological is being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal. Markedly abnormal was how I felt, to say the least. I had never felt this good in my life. The saying of this being “the greatest high ever” was so true.
I was alive. I was giddy. The trees were greener, due drops glistened like diamonds. I could feel God’s energy surging in my veins. I was born anew. I was 100% not the person I was the day before. I couldn’t stop smiling. Everything was so clear. I looked back upon all the decisions I had made since my trauma and realized that they were jaded by this irrational view of myself. My trauma wasn’t my fault. You can’t abuse yourself. If my family validated me, they would have to admit their guilt which is something that they cannot do.
My self-esteem came surging back. My confidence soared. I wanted to do good because it felt good. Every person in this world was either my brother or sister because we were all HIS children. I was so connected to HIM, that I knew anything I did that wasn’t what HE wanted would disconnect me from HIM. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this all came from HIM. The voice I heard was undeniably Jesus and one of the reasons I was given this gift was because I humbled myself enough to know I couldn’t do this life without HIM and finally asked for help.
Honestly, at first, I didn’t know what to do with myself. This is so big. This is so real. Some people believed me and some didn’t, but I didn’t care. I was flooded with enlightenment, contentment, happiness, glass half full feelings when before, the glass was always empty. I wasn’t miserable anymore. I could feel love again.
There is empathy and compassion for others where it wasn’t there before. The hate that was inside my heart for everyone and especially myself was gone. Now it’s overflowing with God’s love for not only me but for you too. What is awesome about living with the hope of people seeing God and Jesus through you is that it leaves no room for doubts. You find yourself being too busy asking What Would Jesus Do and trying to mimic that. Okay, now I have to go get one of those bracelets.
The hate that was inside my heart for everyone and especially myself was gone. Now it’s overflowing with God’s love for not only me but for you too.
I left treatment and accomplished things that I never thought I was capable of. I went back to college and have been really successful with it. I have sobriety that I can count in years, and most importantly-- release from my trauma. I am so grateful for that freedom. My life was completely changed overnight. I never knew it could be this good.
I walked into a church for myself for the first time ever, and I can feel God there. I now recognize the miracles of God and they are everywhere! All I want to do is yell from the top of my lungs about how God saved me. It’s an honor to receive this gift and even when I feel pain again—life isn’t always perfect—it is minimal because at that moment if I think of his blessing, I’ll always find joy in my soul. It is beautiful.
I am beautiful and now I’m alive and ready to spread HIS love wherever he leads me.
I am HIS.